A Visit to the World of Daytime TV III, or JR Tackles “The Worst Show On Television”
By John Ross

Copyright 2007 by John Ross. Electronic reproduction of this article freely permitted provided it is reproduced in its entirety with attribution given.

This week it’s the big one. Jerry Springer. For those of you that don’t watch television, The Jerry Springer Show first aired in 1991 as a talk show with serious guests discussing serious issues. Oliver North was on an early show, discussing Iran-Contra. Other political figures were featured regularly.

The topics and guests the show featured soon became more controversial yet much less relevant, and the turning point came in the early- to mid-‘90s, when members of a black civil rights group were on the show to debate members of the KKK, or Aryan Nation, or somesuch white supremacy group. In the middle of the show, someone threw a chair at someone else, and a brawl broke out onstage.

Fights draw ratings, and Jerry Springer never looked back.

Today, The Jerry Springer Show is where a guest, typically a young woman or young man, will come onstage, sit down, and Jerry will ask "Tonya, what’s going on?"

Tonya has a secret, you see, and Tonya is tired of keeping the secret inside.

And Tonya will explain that she wants to tell her boyfriend that she’s really a man, or tell her sister that she’s been having sex with the sister’s husband, or tell her husband that she’s been having sex with his brother, or tell her brother that she’s been having sex with his wife, or some other shocking revelation. Then Jerry brings out the clueless boyfriend/sister/husband/brother, and Tonya tells him/her, and sparks fly. Often, the second guest is married, or has a mistress or boyfriend, and Jerry brings out that person, and more sparks fly. And sometimes we find out an additional secret, and a fourth guest with some sordid connection emerges. And so on.

Besides infidelity, common themes are a gay man that wants to “marry” his lover on the show and a mother who strongly disapproves, family members who disapprove of the choices their relatives have made (prostitution, etc.), spouses who disapprove of family members (crazy uncles, etc.), and other generally messed-up situations. Trailers, jail time, and drug use are featured prominently on almost every show.

Almost invariably, the guests end up fist fighting with each other, often taking their shirts (and sometimes pants) off, and the beefy security guards break it up before it gets too violent. But not much before…

Then, at the end of the show, Jerry lets audience members ask the guests questions. Usually, they take the form of “To the guy in the blue shirt—Man, are you crazy? Your girlfriend is the size of a school bus!” Whereupon the obese girlfriend will pull up her shirt and expose her breasts (censored for television), saying “Hey, I’m proud of all I got. A gay guy like you don’t appreciate a real woman!” and the audience will howl.

Before I go any further, let me admit that I kind of enjoy this show. I don’t like it in the same way that I like The Shield, Nip/Tuck, or That 70s Show. I enjoy Jerry Springer in the same way I enjoy watching a compilation tape of horrendous auto crashes where the drivers were not seriously injured. The show, however, has more going for it than just satisfying our morbid curiosity. More on that later.

Springer is on for two hours straight, five days a week here. I had seen part of the Springer show a few years ago, and figured it was all scripted, like pro wrestling. Now, after watching a bunch of them during my period of forced bed rest, I’m not so sure.

The main case for Springer being faked is that nobody bleeds or gets hurt. Ever. Everybody fights, and many go at it hammer and tongs, but nobody gets a split lip or a bloody nose, let alone a broken jaw or a tooth knocked out. Either they’re faking it (and many of the fights look very real), or the security guards that break up the fights before they go too far are so good they never let even a bloody nose occur, or the producers edit out any blood before the show airs.

The main case for Springer being real is that I don’t think it is humanly possible to find that many morbidly obese (or rail-thin) actors and actresses, most with bad teeth, to give such spot-on performances of crazed, obsessive, trashy behavior.

What I suspect is happening is that the guests are in the situations they claim to be, but they have all been told beforehand that when they confront whoever it is they confront onstage, they have to fight, and make it look good, or they won’t have their expenses paid. Sometimes it’s just two people windmilling at each other for the amusement of the audience, and sometimes there’s enough obviously genuine animosity that they don’t need any financial incentive or other encouragement to go for the throat.

Springer has an appeal that is not just to our baser instincts, as I said before. The first thing is that Jerry obviously doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. His questions are always measured, reasonable, and non-judgmental. And occasionally, he gets a perfect answer. On one show, a mildly obese black woman confessed to having had sex with her sister’s boyfriend (or best friend’s husband, or boyfriend’s brother, or somesuch), and Jerry asked, “But why would you do that, when you know it would be hurtful to someone you love?”

The woman shot back, “Jerry, how many people come on your show, you axe them that? You ever get an answer satisfy you?” The audience (and I) loved it.

The security guards are also very likeable and have developed their own fan base. Sometimes a gay audience member will confess to having a crush on one of them, and then the muscular, tattooed guard will good-naturedly let the guy kiss him on the cheek and ballroom dance with him for five seconds. Far from looking disgusted, the security guard will have the same expression as a father asked to dress up and be in his six-year-old’s school play.

The head security guard, Steve Wilkos, has enough of a following that he sometimes replaces Jerry, in cases where the guest has made some truly bad choices, like smoking crack through pregnancy, and ending up with a baby that has serious health problems. Steve is an ex-cop, and is very good at the tough-but-fair role. Women (and some men) audience members ask to come up and kiss his shaved head. He always lets them do it, with a silly grin on his face.

As I watched one particular show, I found myself wanting to verbally bitch-slap one of the guests. A few days later, the theme for the show that day was Audience Confront Guests, where nationwide audience members had called in saying they wanted to give one of the guests they’d seen a piece of their mind, so the Springer Show set it up! The show truly is audience-driven.

I have three complaints about the show. First, I wish that they could find more guests with more normal body types. Far too many men and women are not merely overweight, but morbidly obese, like 150 pounds or more overweight. Many of the others are emaciated. It seems it’s always overuse of either Krispy Kreme or Crystal Meth…

Secondly, it makes no sense that these women are always fighting over jobless men that are in jail regularly. Why is “Good riddance!” never uttered?

And lastly, it gets pretty old.when every one of these verbal confrontations degenerates into physical violence.

I have a secret fantasy. And now, as Jerry would say, “It’s not a secret any longer!”

I want to be on The Jerry Springer Show. It would go something like this:

The show would have its normal two sets of guests on, but they would take up a little less time than usual, so Jerry would have a third person with a secret.

Jerry:
Today our third guest, Madeleine, has had a boyfriend for three years, and she has a secret she’s been keeping from him. Madeleine, what’s going on?

Madeleine, a fair-skinned blonde with a fitness model’s figure:
Well, Jerry, last year my boyfriend’s birthday was coming up, and I really wanted to get him something nice that he would always keep and that would make him think of me. He’d always admired this custom folding pocketknife that was for sale in a local gunshop. It had ivory panels in the handle. I had enough money to buy the knife, but I didn’t have enough to do what I really wanted, which was to have nudes of me scrimshawed in the ivory.

Jerry:
So what did you do?

Madeleine:
Well, at a party at our house, when JR was in the other room, JR’s friend Joel asked me what I was getting him for his birthday, and I showed him the knife. I told him I was saving up to get the scrimshaw work done, but I was short almost $300. He laughed and said he’d be happy to give me $300 for a—for oral sex.

Jerry:
So what did you do?

Madeleine:
Well, I knew he was probably joking, but maybe not. Joel makes a lot of money, and he’s our friend, so I asked if he was serious, and he said “Sure,” so we decided to talk the next day.

Jerry:
You had sex with him the next day?

Madeleine:
No, we made plans for him to come over when JR was out of town, which was the next week. I took the knife to the man doing the scrimshaw work so he could start, and then a few days later Joel came over and I gave him oral sex and he gave me $300.

Jerry:
So you’re not in love with him.

Madeleine:
Oh, no. He’s our friend.

Jerry:
Well, it’s time to tell your boyfriend, so let’s bring him out. Please welcome…JR!

Me shaking hands:
Hi, Jerry!

Jerry:
Welcome to the show. JR, your girlfriend Madeleine has something she wants to say to you.

Madeleine:
JR, I have to tell you something about that knife I gave you for your birthday.

Me (agitated):
You didn’t steal it, did you?

Madeleine:
No, of course not.

Me (very agitated):
You didn’t go into debt to buy it, did you? You didn’t put it on a credit card?

Madeleine:
No, of course I didn’t do that. I had the money for the knife, but not for the artwork, so…I gave your friend Joel oral sex and he gave me the money to get the scrimshaw done.

Me:
And…?

Madeleine:
And I felt bad about keeping that a secret from you.

Me:
Oh. Well, that’s not much of a secret.

Jerry:
JR, you’re not mad at Joel for offering your girlfriend money for sex, or at her for accepting?

Me:
When the whole point of both was to get me a great birthday present?

Jerry (puzzled):
I see… Well, let’s bring him out! Please welcome…JOEL!

Joel enters in a business suit. He’s very good looking with short, curly hair. He smiles as he shakes hands with Jerry and me, then kisses Madeleine lightly.

Joel:
Hi, Jerry!

Jerry:
Joel, JR here doesn’t seem too upset that you, his friend, offered his girlfriend money for oral sex, and she accepted.

Joel:
That doesn’t surprise me.

Jerry:
JR, you’re not worried that after having sex with her, Joel might fall in love with Madeleine, or she with him?

Me:
Fall in love after one [censored]? Where money was involved? What planet are we on here? Besides, Joel likes girls with tans, like his wife. Joel’s not going to dump Jen for Maddy.

Jerry:
Ohhh, he’s MARRIED! Well, she’s been watching on the monitor backstage and knows all about this now, so let’s bring her out! Here’s…JEN!

Jen comes out, in a miniskirt, halter top, heels, and looking like a Hawaiian Tropic model. She’s annoyed.

Jen:
I can’t believe we’re on the Jerry Springer Show talking about [censored]!

Joel:
Isn’t it great?

Jen:
I just want to know: Who’s better?

Joel:
Jen, honey, it isn’t a matter of better, it’s-

Jen (pulling her own hair in frustration and looking at the ceiling):
OHHH! I can’t believe this! We’re on national television and my husband is telling everybody my [censored] aren’t very good!

Me (sharply):
Jen!

Jen:
What?

Me (calmly):
I know my girlfriend pretty well. My guess is that Maddy here made Joel tell her exactly how he liked it, and that’s exactly how she did it.

Madeleine and Joel both nod.

Why don’t you try doing that with him tonight?

Madeleine and Joel both nod again.

Look, Jerry, I feel like we kind of gypped you and your audience here, what with none of us wanting to hit each other, or start screaming and pulling hair, or anything like that. The security team has probably been bored to tears.

Camera cuts to bored-looking security team.

Jerry:
Actually, it’s been a refreshing change for me…Maybe it’s a new era for the Springer Show…

Me:
But the audience…what should we do to make it right for them? Do they want to see the girls make out, or take off their tops, or go on the pole, or-

Audience member:
Make out topless on the pole!

Entire audience chanting:
Make out topless on the pole! Make out topless on the pole! Make out topless on the pole! Make out topless on the pole!

Madeleine and Jen walk to the pole, strip off their tops, and lock in an ongoing French kiss. Joel and I high five each other. I get the custom knife out of my pocket and hand it to Jerry, who examines the scrimshawed panels. The cameras show the blurred images of the nudes. Music starts and the Jerry Springer song starts playing. The audience starts dancing on the stage with the security guards. The credits start to roll.

I can dream, can’t I?

John Ross 5/30/2007

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